Self-Compassion: The Key to Happiness
Self-Compassion, The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
a Book By Kristin Neff, Ph.D.
“Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day”
-Henri Nouwen, Preist
The title although simple, in and of itself, caught my attention.
This is because I am a [recovering] perfectionist, I toy the line of someone who has “the compulsive need to achieve and accomplish one’s goals with no allowance for falling short of one’s ideals…[we] experience stress and anxiety about getting things exactly right and feel devastated when they don’t… perfectionists are always dissatisfied with themselves ” [ouch]. (-Kristin Neff)
That’s right, I was a big ol’ [now improving] control freak.
Due to this, I was often hard on myself more days than not.
My struggle with the word enough surfaced countless times: “I am not toned enough”, “I have not accomplished enough of my task list today”, “I am not eating clean enough”.
I was spending way too much time focusing on my perceived shortcomings rather than leaning into each day with gratitude, savoring feel-good moments and wins, and standing proud of my positive qualities. Simply put, enough was enough and I knew it was time to learn the art of self-compassion and improve my quality of life.
Dr. Kristin Neff wrote Self-Compassion, The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, to share research that support why people who are compassionate toward their perceived failings and imperfections experience greater well-being than those who repeatedly judge themselves (self-explanatory however, I was intrigued). This is what captured me “This book powerfully demonstrates why it’s so important to be self-compassionate and give yourself the same caring support you’d give a good friend.”
Again, it sounds so straightforward, but if it truly was, then why is it so damn hard to be as kind to yourself as you would a close friend?
(& I am the incredibly blessed person who has the gold-medal Olympian of a friend group. This sets the bar a bit higher.)
In being transparent, it took me three months to complete a 283-page book.
A direct result of being the guilty one who accumulates & starts books at the same time to feed different immediate needs and emotions: “I want to absorb material to learn, enhance and grow areas of myself” thus I grab this book (or one of my many other self-help books) or “It’s the end of the day, I am exhausted, staying off of my phone is important to do before bed, and I don’t want to overstimulate my mind” such I grab a good, easy to read, romance novel (Author, Nora Roberts, is a current favorite).
I also get overexcited about physical books in general. Opening the doors to a Barnes & Noble for me is like a toddler who is released into the grocery store (off the leash), I am reaching for every book on every shelf, grabbing and dropping a trail of books to the checkout counter. “Of course I will read these three books over our already schedule-packed, one-week, trip to London, it’s vacation after all!” instead I opt to watch every available movie on the plane ride over and six months later, one of the three books have been read and the other two are waiting for their glory moments. I know I am not alone in this.
The real reason it took me a fair amount of time to finish, is because it was such an insightful read, filled with exercises I diligently completed within each chapter that aided me in reflecting on my own Self-Compassion evolution. I found myself re-reading paragraph after paragraph, even chapters in some instances, highlighting sentences because it held so much weight in the rationality behind why self-compassion is such an important tool and quality to have within life. It sold me on why I had to overcome my tendency to drift towards negative self-talk whenever things don’t go the way I hoped or planned for and how much better I would feel if I simply let go of my inner-critic and embraced my inner consoler, friend and cheerleader.
To put things into perspective, imagine how it would feel to go through something shitty, for example: Your co-worker, Janette, gets the coveted promotion you worked so hard to get and instead of beating yourself up for not getting it, including thinking about all of the possible mistakes you’ve made (which VERY likely, do not exist), making you feel way worse than you already did, you said:
“You know what? This does suck. It is OK to feel frustrated, bummed and angry because I worked really hard to snag this role and felt I put my best foot forward. I am going give myself permission to feel this way as I know other’s in my position would feel the same, and when I am ready, I am going to focus on what action steps I can take to sooth myself right now and then, what I can do to best look forward.”
According to Dr. Neff, Self-Compassion, entails being kind towards oneself when encountering pain, perceived personal shortcomings or failures rather than suppressing them or being self-critical and judgmental.
Dr. Neff states that there are three core components to self-compassion:
1. Self-Kindness, “That we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental”
Example, Instead of judging yourself harshly for eating several Oreos (or more than several in my case, after lunch - yes, I said it, not even after dinner, lunch) and thinking that you blew your healthy intake for the day, show yourself kindness: “I acknowledge that I am being tough on myself because I want the best for my health, body and energy levels. I enjoyed each Oreo but acknowledge the feelings of frustration with myself after eating them and will be sure to bring this front of mind next time I go pantry diving.”
2. Common Humanity “That we feel connected with others in the experience of life rather than isolated and alienated by our own suffering”
“I know others would be hard on themselves, too, for eating Oreos. I am not alone in experiencing guilt right now.”
3. Mindfulness “That we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it”
“Instead of burying my guilt and holding on to this energy, or blowing this way out of proportion, I am acknowledging how I feel and taking it with me for future reference on why eating too many Oreos aren’t for my best and highest good or in alignment with my goal of feeling the best I ever have.”
I incorporated one of the most common ways in which we as women are hard on ourselves: self-inflicting pain as a result of what we consume on a daily basis.
This often spirals out of control and leads to us to staring at ourselves in the mirror afterwards thinking “the cookies have already set in, I am HUGE!”, “ugh, my stomach is now going to blow up ahead of Memorial Day Weekend”, to “Well, my Flywheel class was pointless, I exceeded the amount of calories I burned.”
We are incredibly self-critical as an outcome of what we eat, and it’s not just about what we consume, it is about how all-consuming it is on our minds and bodies.
It is time to relax, let go of control and forgive ourselves whenever we eat something out of our ideal norm. If you want a cookie, have a cookie! Don’t become the cookie monster and completely blow your hard work out of the water, but if you do one day, then OK. It should not be life shattering, acknowledge it, remember how it made you feel and let it go. We have enough to get through on a daily basis, we don’t need to harbor energy associated to an Oreo.
Life is like a box of chocolates; you don’t know what you are going to get, and you don’t need to think about the calories associated with each chocolate.
Dr. Neff’s triple threat enables you to change the way we relate to ourselves and our lives, allowing us to become more stable and ultimately, happier.
One of the many tools Dr. Neff bestows to her readers is to have the following conversation with yourself as soon as you find yourself spiraling the self-critical drain (we all talk to ourselves; this should be easy to integrate):
It’s hard to feel _____ right now. (Showing yourself kindness acknowledges the difficulty in experiencing this negative emotion)
Feeling _____ is part of the human experience. (A reminder of the common humanity of experiencing difficult emotions, you are not alone, it is a natural part of being a human being)
What can I do to make myself feel happier in this moment? (Bringing yourself back to the present moment in being mindful of how you are feeling and what you can do to sooth yourself)
In summary: “As we walk through the triumphs and tragedies of our lives, we relate to everything with kindness. We feel our interconnectedness with everyone and everything. We become aware of the present moment without judgement. We experience the full spectrum of life without needing to change it [...] We can embrace both the joy and sorrow of being human, and by doing so we can transform our lives.”
I continuously recommend this book to clients as I also notice that they too, are experiencing bouts of being too self-critical and are wanting to up the ante on loving themselves as much as they love and care for those around them. It is one I constantly reference and serves as a front and center reminder on how I want to treat myself and ultimately, live my life.
I will leave you with this: when encountering a perceived problem, short-coming or failing, ask yourself this: “what would my best friend say to me right now?” they likely will be supportive, optimistic and loving.
Do and be the same with yourself, and most importantly, never forget to be kind.
Want to get a read on how Self-Compassionate you currently are? You can evaluate your level of self-compassion through Dr. Neff’s “How Self-Compassionate Are You?” online test. It is a wonderful starting point prior to reading her book, then after completing it, retaking the test and witnessing the change you are already making as a result of her brilliant viewpoints and suggestions.
“It does take work to break the self-criticizing habits of a lifetime, but at the end of the day, you are only being asked to relax, allow life to be as it is, and open your heart to yourself. It’s easier than you think, and it could change your life forever.”