New Mothers: My Kick-in-the-Butt Experience with my Life Coach (My Daughter)
A New Mother’s Lesson About Self-Compassion
“
In giving birth to our babies, we may find that we give birth to new possibilities within ourselves.”
-Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn
I was hesitant to write entries directed towards Mothers as I strive to support women across all lifestyles, however, even though I was not yet a mom or expecting, I noted those entries of my favorite mom bloggers in case I felt guided to reference them when it was my turn, and I am grateful I did.
Postpartum, during some of my toughest moments, I found myself referring back to those entries and shaking my head “yes” as I grasped to find others feeling or who have felt the same way I did, to not feel isolated in the middle of the night cradling a wide-awake newborn in one hand and reaching for my phone with the other, reading words of inspiration to light up a lonely night. In turn, I felt compelled to write this for you, you incredible powerhouses, and to let you know that you are not alone. That we are and will always be in this together.
If you are not a mom, or not yet a mom, you too, are good-for-the-soul, support persons. A beacon of encouragement to close friends who are new moms. Maybe reading this will allow you to feel a deeper connection and an understanding of what she is going through. To equip you with the knowledge of how you can support her: tell her you love her, that in turn she should love herself and you are available to bring her that matcha latte she craves and hold her baby while she eats. We could not do this without YOU!
So, without further ado, here is my middle of the night, new mom memoir
Let me tell you something, I have studied numerous methods of self-help, self-care, self-guidance, self-evolution... to the coveted self-actualization, the self-list goes on… literatures and practices over the last couple of years. I know what grounds me, energizes me, what makes me feel good and helps me to fall asleep, what tools I need to whip out of my toolkit to start my day on a positive note, or just to soothe me when shit hits the fan. So naturally (& with the help of God), I felt confident walking into the Labor & Delivery room in Manhattan’s Lenox Hill Hospital on the eve of delivering my littlest angel, Teddy.
These practices have also supported me so much so, that I was at peace with the fact that she was about to be delivered during a global pandemic on a day that happened to be the highest number of known cases of the virus in one of the hardest hit cities in the world, in the hospital that catered to a number of these patients.
Nope, I was good. God had my back, so much so, that when her heart rate continued to falter during labor, although gut wrenching, I knew in my soul that she was going to arrive to earth safe and sound. That my angel was a tough cookie and together, we had this. That faith, amazing doctors and nurses & those tools, got her home to our apartment in the beautiful, perfect shape she was and continues to be in.
But let me tell you something else, that toolkit I described to you, got lost somewhere back at the hospital. The second we arrived home, my drive to achieve a well-balanced, healthy mindset surrounding entering motherhood and the grace in which I prepared myself for months in advance, dissipated. That’s right, for someone who is enthusiastic about studying self-compassion for a living, my handy dandy practices flew out the window and onto Park Avenue.
The combination of lack of sleep (you really don’t know what this truly is until you become a parent), postpartum pain (this is different for everyone but for me, a LOT of it!), lack of eating (WHO, I want to know WHO, has time to eat as a new mom? Two words to those who are about to become a parent: Protein Bars) and overall mental adjustment to entering a beautiful yet draining new chapter and new you, all kicked my mental health and self-nurturing processes to the curb.
I am going to step up onto my soapbox here, but whenever my doctor told me when I encountered yet another infection to “get rest, especially when your baby is resting, and eat whenever you can, drink lots of fluid, too!” I wanted to laugh out loud and respond “Thank you for your feedback, but in order to eat I need to prepare a meal, that meal is made during her naps, she doesn’t sleep anywhere but in my arms, oh and drinking lots of fluid makes me have to use the restroom frequently, again, she only likes being in my arms, so this mathematical equation is at a deficit which means that your advice is NOT suitable for brand new, night of the walking dead, moms.”
It felt almost like a distasteful joke.
I don’t know if anyone else felt this way, but at the beginning I kept thinking “this will all revert back to the way things were soon. Yes, then I will enjoy my matcha latte alongside my smoothie in the morning, I will have a phenomenal workout on my Peloton and take my merry time showering and getting ready for a blissful day of peace and quiet burying myself within my business ahead.” It was as if I was in straight up denial about becoming a Mom. I also, was resisting this new way of life, a life that I could only pray for and dream about years prior.
I was very fortunate to not encounter waves of postpartum depression after birth, but in place of it were months of physical healing from various health issues, which also in turn, did a number on my mental wellness. I became so fixated on what was hurting physically, that this overwhelmed me mentally and got in the way of me being fully present with the greatest gift God has bestowed upon my husband and I.
On top of that, I was putting so much pressure on myself to accomplish all tasks I did prior to Teddy’s arrival: working, cooking, cleaning, laundry, living an active lifestyle… (I have a slight addiction to my Dyson vacuum, my husband has to literally pry it out of my hands) that when I didn’t achieve any of the above, I felt defeated, as if I already was failing as a mom, wife and entrepreneur.
I was also the type who when I had to take a sick day from work, I always found a way to scrounge up enough energy to clean my apartment from top to bottom; I gravitated towards utilizing every hour I got. So, sitting still in silence, holding my beautiful daughter for hours on end started with peace, but quickly turned to panic as I would think about everything I needed to be doing or could be doing during that time. I had a hard time adjusting from a fast-pace lifestyle to a live in the moment and be present new way of life.
I focused too much on “things will be better when… [I feel better and Teddy is a little older, more independent and will sleep through the nights].”
When in fact the truth was, I was the one who was sleeping through these incredible moments spent with my newborn baby girl. These moments, that once they are gone, you can never, ever get back.
Babies don’t keep, so I couldn’t keep reverting back to these negative train of thoughts plaguing me daily, taking away from precious moments with my daughter.
When I encountered the overwhelming sadness in one of my lowest moments of pain, I remember asking myself several poignant questions: “Do you wish to continue feeling like this? Accepting this negative way of thinking? Or, do you want to rise to the occasion, lean into these painful moments and mental lapses and fight like hell to be a present mom? To grow in strength? To be kind & gentle to yourself? It is up to you.”
It was in that moment that I chose to fight.
So, I got up off of the ground and fought.
I don’t know where courage came from, but the universe had my back and I was over with beating myself up for not being the present, do-it-all and grace-filled mom I had hoped for, for having a body that was in constant pain, not bouncing back the way I anticipated (even though I knew that was not realistic) for not being the normal loving, supportive spouse I pride myself on or being too tired to focus on my business with my “free” time.
After I chose to fight, to let go of the guilt and being overly self-critical, I began to reflect.
The truth was, I WAS being the absolute best I could be for Teddy and our family. I WAS brave and grace-filled pre-delivery, during delivery and post. I DID love Teddy with all of my heart those first brutal weeks and I DID what was best for her. My body WAS beautiful & it fought like absolute hell to deliver a healthy angel.
The truth was, it was ME who did not give myself the biggest piece of advice I’ve learned, to be kind to yourself. Be gentle. To let go and to let God. For when you let go, God has room to come in and make beautiful moments unfold. To then in turn, heal you from the inside, out.
& Don’t worry, there is a light burning alongside you in the tunnel on your way out.
You will once again be able to enjoy that matcha latte and get a good sweat in, & your self-care moments will slowly resurface. Once they do, they will be so much sweeter than they ever were because your “you time” is more valuable. The routines will come, naps will provide moments to eat in peace, work away and keep up with never-ending to-do lists. You’ll realize those things you used to busy yourself with doing, don’t hold weight any longer, as you prioritize those things that bring you true joy. And most of all, you’ll know that your sweet baby, is the one thing that brings you the most joy.
Hang in there, remove the guilt, show yourself the compassion your mind, body and soul deserve after just delivering a blessing to this world (Think about that: Give yourself a moment to re-read that statement, YOU carried - uphill more days than not - your beautiful soul for ten months & without wine (!), YOU worked HARD to deliver that soul to earth and YOU are having to heal + take care of both your own body and a brand new one at the same time, YOU ARE F@#$ING AMAZING!)
Be kind to yourself, you are much stronger than you would ever know.
I am a client of several incredibly talented Life Coaches, but the best one of them all has been my dearest and purest soul, my daughter Teddy. Who has reminded me to let go a lot, be kind to myself often and that everything is exactly where it needs to be in this very moment. In looking at her, she echoes the question:
“Mom, would you ask of me at your age the same things you are asking of yourself right now? Telling yourself? Or treating yourself?”
No, you would not. You would envelope her in love, protection and compassion.
So be sure to do the same to yourself.
Thank you, Teddy, for being my guiding light, reminding me to encompass myself in love, every day, and to you & the good Lord, I am forever grateful to have as my Life Coach.
“Because I feel that in the Heavens above, the angels whispering to one another can find among their burning terms of love, none so devotional as that of a Mother”