On Breaking Habits: How to Cut the Crap
Through The Kindness Method by Shahroo Izadi
“Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most.”
-Abraham Lincoln
Overeating Indulgences (Bad Food)
Drinking in Abundance (as Shahroo Izadi notes “carrying over adolescent drinking behavior into adulthood”)
Excessive Screen Time on Social Media (“I just opened my app and before I knew it, it was an hour later and I was sucked into the deep abyss of Instagram’s suggestions for me, leading me on my hunt for what the main actress from Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century was up to.”)
Swearing (“Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed.” -Mark Twain)
Smoking (no explanation needed)
Any of this ring a bell with you (…or strike a nerve)?
If so, don’t be discouraged, there is common humanity in knowing that these are some of the top habits people attempt to break. In fact, two of the habits listed above I am trying to work through now using The Kindness Method as my guide.
Personally, my two comfort coaxers are:
1.) Pour some sugar on me (Sweets)
2.) Red, red wine makes me feel so fine (Alcohol)
HABITS
I had a good chuckle when I pulled my next topic from my guidance bowl, as my handwriting stared back at me from the piece of paper: “How to Cut the Crap: A Method to Breaking Habits That Actually Works” for my next blog post. Again, I looked upward and said “Really?! I was going to give everyone a bit of a breather here with all things consumption, weight and bad habits…” but alas, the Universe have spoken, and this topic gets me going.
If you have not yet read my last blog: “You are What You Eat: Fueling Your Body is the Gateway to Fueling Your Mind” I encourage that you do so before embarking on this one.
It truly is divine timing to write about habits, as we are smack dab in the middle of the holidays and on the eve of a new year, both which have us questioning behaviors that are tough to break (largely to do with consumption) as well as forming new, beneficial ones.
So, let’s get down to it: What is a habit?
According to Google Dictionary, it is “a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.”
According to The World Counts.com:
Habits make up 40% of your daily actions, this means that a majority of your day-to-day is made up of habits - the good & yes, the bad
It takes on average 66 days for the brain to form a new habit (& which technically means 66 days to break, or replace, an old one)
“Cravings are the brain’s motivator. For something to become a habit, our brain must crave it.”
Further stating that: “Habits are our brain’s way of increasing its’ efficiency. Our brain turns daily actions and behaviors into habits, so we would do them automatically and without too much thought – thus freeing up our brainpower for other more important challenges. This strategy of our brain has wonderful benefits for us. It allows us to function better in life.”
The good news is, is that your brain is incredible enough to decipher between a mundane task vs. a challenge, which provides you with the ability to put more energy towards working through those challenges.
The questionable news is, what happens when the habits you’ve created aren’t healthy for you?
[Let’s take this a step further…]
What if it is time for you to actually give those habits thought and consider those redundant behaviors that aren’t doing you any favors?
That are taking away from your quality of life.
Maybe changing repetitive patterns of behavior include:
-Inner-mean girl chatter telling you that you aren’t good enough: “Why even start an interior design business? You aren’t talented enough to get clients. You didn’t even go to Design School. What will my friends think when I stated I quit my job to follow my dreams? They will think I am crazy!”
-Continuing to meet someone for your regularly scheduled coffee or lunch even though you know the relationship is hurting you rather than helping you (then trying to talk your way into seeing them “I’m exhausted, it is easier for me to suck it up for an hour rather than get involved in any potential drama with Becky.”) Of course one silver lining to this year is that you now have an excuse not to see Becky any longer.
-Resulting to comfort food when shit hits the fan: “I am SO stressed from work, it is more exciting for me to grab a hamburger from Shake Shack rather than make my chicken and steamed broccoli. I had a helluva day and want something to look forward to.”
-Hitting the snooze button for an hour rather than waking up early to go on a run: “I didn’t fall asleep at the hour I had intended to, so I need my beauty sleep.” or “I’ll just snooze this alarm on more time and wake up in 15 minutes…”
[meanwhile, one hour later, you wake up with little to no time for yourself before having to race to your computer to hop on a Zoom call]
Uh-huh, we have ALL been there.
I certainly have, that’s why I am a Life Coach ;)
It is easy to think of a habit as something that is cut and dry; something like waking up, brushing your teeth, washing your face and grabbing a cup of coffee, but it is so much more than that.
When you are feeling bad about something, have you ever stopped yourself to consider “What the heck is going on here?”.
-To identify and call that mean-ass inner bully out.
-To break the coffee date cycle with a non-deserving friend and use that time to do something you truly enjoy.
-To put the hamburger down and discover another warm, familiar friend in cauliflower pizza, allowing any potential post-glutenous guilt to be suppressed.
-Or to slowly rise from bed but with the empowerment of knowing that you are gifting yourself with much more than sleep, with time to spend doing something you love (of course sleep IS important, but so are sacred mornings before the day starts).
I am going to tell it how it is right now: this shit ain’t easy.
If you are telling me it takes approximately 66 days to create new habits, does that mean I go cold turkey on my little pleasures?
That I don’t for example, allow myself to stay up late watching The Real Housewives ever?
No. It means that you form awareness surrounding what it is that isn’t serving you and create smaller, more attainable steps for you to reverse it.
For you to cultivate a life you are proud of.
A life that you love.
So, how do you go about breaking (very) difficult habits?
HOW TO CUT THE CRAP WITH SHAHROO IZADI’S BOOK, THE KINDNESS METHOD
This is where my excitement for reading and taking part in Shahroo Izadi’s book, The Kindness Method, comes into play.
Izadi is a Behavioral Change Specialist who provides relapse prevention coaching and support groups at a recovery house for young woman in addiction. She took her personal experiences and techniques working in the field of substance abuse to create a habit-breaking method for all audiences that has self-compassion and self-understanding at the heart of its success.
Right off of the bat, her bio stood out to me.
Part of me thought “I don’t have an addiction, I have a general “problem”, so why would this method pertain to me?” but the more I thought about it, the more it made complete sense. Especially when I am having a tough go at breaking habits that aren’t doing me any good. Someone who has vast experience with lapses (breaks a commitment one time) and relapses (fall back into old patterns the same or worse as before) could certainly teach me a thing or two.
In typical Alexandra self-help crazed fashion, each time I get overly excited about a new book, a new opportunity to learn, I feel the urge to sprint out of the gate, take on every detail suggested to me and evolve right then and there. In the context of breaking habits, I wanted to conquer them at last… and do so in a day.
The quicker the better, right?
Not so fast when it comes to habit breaking.
"It's very common for people to want to do a complete overhaul, change everything at once and try to become a "whole new person". This is fine, but it creates quite a height to fall from if you don't manage to live up to these expectations." In short, Izadi notes that starting small to shift habits will result in bigger strides towards change.
The first stage of change is about building the confidence that you are capable and able to evolve; so creating small attainable action steps towards a bigger moment is critical.
Little wins build self-esteem.
Self-esteem promotes power.
And power enables you to take on big evolutions.
This leads me to the three power angles Izadi notes as the cornerstones of changing habits:
1. In order to set yourself up for success, you’ve got to do the self-immersion pre-work & put plans into place.
In summary: Get to know yourself better.
At the end of each chapter, Izadi encourages you to take part in a mapping exercise in which you write the overarching theme in the center and its corresponding branches and bubbles around it.
For example:
Starting off with “What am I proud of?” This is so simple yet so profound. It sincerely builds confidence right off of the bat when you see all of your accomplishments in one place. It makes you realize “if I could do that, then I can do this.”
Transitioning to “When I am in the Zone.” Looking at all of those things you’ve accomplished, thinking about how you accomplished them: all of the elements from “I am being held accountable by someone else” to “I am getting adequate sleep” and taking those into consideration for your current habit-breaking plan of attack.
To “What will test me? [on this habit breaking journey]”. For me, it is the holidays (my love to bake and be the first in line to taste test the batter and whipping up those fun Christmas Cocktails - Poinsettia Punch anyone?) and preparing yourself for what may try to throw you off your game.
As Izadi beautifully states “Forewarned is forearmed”.
Immersing yourself with yourself will empower you and untimely make it that much more clear on why breaking this habit is so important.
2. Exercise self-compassion and understanding.
Izadi states that "[being kind to oneself during a time of change] ... impacts our behaviors and dictates how much resilience we can demonstrate in those moments of weakness."
Be self-aware of the conversations you are having with yourself; be kind to yourself on this new habit breaking process, prepare for potential self-sabotage inner chatter and rebuke it with gentle and encouraging thoughts.
Want to gain awareness surrounding how often you may be talking yourself down? Izadi suggests taking part in the paperclip challenge: take 30 paperclips and put them in your right pocket at the beginning of the day. Then, throughout the day, move a paperclip to your left pocket anytime you say something negative to yourself. At the end of the day, see where you stand with self-sabotage by counting the number of paperclips in your left pocket.
3. Ensuring that work includes working towards a life of purpose that excites you.
She states (rather prolifically I may add) that “the unwanted habits you’ve developed are not just the problem; they are, or once were, also the solution.” By putting forth the work in understanding what perceived problem you were trying to solve in the first place, you are able to address that piece head on, with other more beneficial resolutions.
In the case of my two vices, I always enjoyed having a couple of drinks on the weekends to either calm myself or to add pizazz to a night in (sometimes out of boredom, 150 nights in this year will do that to you!). In tandem, I would also take comfort in desserts. You name it, I love it.
In completing the exercises, I found that 1.) the bad feelings I was overwhelmed with as a result of my indulgences far outweighed the momentary “band aids” and 2.) I saw laid out in front of me all of the positive emotions I could be feeling and not only that, all of the amazing things I could be accomplishing, if I decided to kick these two habits to the curb.
It is a complete ripple effect (including how it impacts those relationships around you!).
At the end, I wrote out my initial plan that I kicked off this week and one that Izadi suggests you benchmark at the 3-week mark on what is working / isn’t working and what more you can be doing as a result of your outcome.
I am happy to share my plan with you and look forward to providing you with updates along the way:
Stage 1:
Alcohol
-Stick to 2 drinks / week (or none at all)
-Can be flexible during celebrations (holidays, weddings, girls weekend and getaways) but aim for 3 drinks or less
-1st drink must be consumed after eating (no drinking on an empty stomach!)
(I am a big tea drinker, so instead of drinking during the week, I usually go for soothing chamomile, peppermint or a lavender blend. This brings me comfort without the cost!)
Desserts
-No sweets @ lunch (only dinner, make a Matcha latte instead)
-Pick 1 after-dinner treat (don’t graze in the freezer or dabble in the cookie jar!)
-Keep it at 250 calories or less (I am not big on calorie counting, but this gives me a specified number to aim for)
-Try to keep the treats as clean as possible (reduce the amount of processed sweets consumed, go for dark chocolate or Greek yogurt)
My overall goal is not to rid myself completely of my two pleasures, but to curb them. This last month, I have already seen such a difference from reducing my alcohol intake. I have clear boundaries I adhere to, am reaping the countless benefits as a result and when I do have something to celebrate, I grant myself compassion as each celebration is an occasion that I pre-planned to be flexible (again, within reason).
In finishing this book, I felt as if I just completed a course in habit breaking tailored specifically to me. I had no idea how impactful self-reflection would be in breaking habits that don’t serve me. How identifying what method of approach hasn’t worked for me in the past (setting up lofty goals meant I would ultimately fail because they were too high to achieve all at once). That how I speak to myself will either set me up for success or to fail. Or how powerful seeing the positive outcomes of breaking these habits would benefit me.
The Kindness Method has proven to be thought-provoking and useful (!) & I could not recommend it more to you on your own journey to breaking habits and cutting that crap OUT!
*As noted in The Kindness Method: “[This Book] is by no means a replacement for counseling. If, by exploring what you may be trying to avoid, you uncover something that you suspect you need to take a deeper approach to working through, then I strongly advise including this kind of support as an important element of your change plan.”
“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
the kindness method
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