The Ego : Are You Standing in Your Own Way?
How-to Educate, Befriend and Turn Your ego into Your Cheerleader
It is time to address the elephant the pusher in the room.
If I were to ask you, what takes precedence when making decisions:
1. Your concerns of how others will react
2. Or, your concerns of how this decision will make you feel
Which one would you honestly favor first?
If you answered how others may perceive the decision you make, you are not alone.
In fact, this is the biggest offender that impacts decision making with those I work with.
It is a habit we continue to listen to without even realizing it.
And it is something I had to work through myself for many moons.
The pusher, the influencer and sometimes the bully I am describing is that of our ego.
As defined by dictionary.com, the ego is “a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance.” Taking this a step further, it is also states that self-importance is “an exaggerated sense of one's own value or importance.”
Within Brené Brown’s book, Rising Strong, she describes the ego as something that “[is] always telling me to compare, prove, please, perfect, outperform, and compete.” In various books of her I have read, she often describes it as “her inner hustler.”
In Scientific American, Barry Kaufman defines Ego as “that aspect of the self that has the incessant need to be seen in a positive light.”
Whew, that one got to me.
the ego
Let me tell you something, when I first heard about the ego, and how it potentially had a hold over me, it stung.
I felt as if I was being hit hard with criticism, a flaw in myself, that I did not want to accept. After all, what I had known the ego to be at that time, was not a welcomed quality. To me, someone who is egotistical, or has an inflated ego, is one who always has to be the center of attention, know-it-all, competitive, best-in-class, a lot to take in and someone you tend to avoid at get togethers.
So, when I considered that my ego was calling the shots, I took it pretty hard.
Even more difficult to accept, was the deeper knowing that it was not just the ego that was standing in the way of my happiness, but it was me.
I was getting in my own way.
Now, several years later, when reflecting back on that moment of realization, I know better. I wasn’t the traits that I thought an egotistical person embodied, I was simply easily influenced to make decisions that my ego favored. Ones that included “should, need, have to” versus “desire, guided and want to.” My values at that time were heavily centered around the belief that self-worth and importance increased as my professional position, salary, belongings, home, vacations, wardrobe, the list goes on, increased.
I ultimately had an epiphany that:
My ego was misguided.
These external values that I adopted from society, were largely just that, external values that were not my own. I adopted them at a time when I was still figuring out who I was and holding on to shiny objects that seemed to contain the golden ticket to euphoria.
So it wasn’t necessarily my egos fault for pushing me to make decisions that I thought would make my quality of life significantly better and lead me to eternal happiness, it was my own for not slowing down and checking in with myself, asking my being:
“How will this decision make me feel and does that feeling embody exactly what I had hoped it would?”
Befriending the Ego
Can we respect our ego, our inner hustler, our confidence, as long as it is in alignment with our internal belief system, our values and our narratives?
To that I say, yes, I think we can.
You see, the ego isn’t necessarily something to despise, it can be a piece of yourself to befriend.
To educate about what your sincere desires are for your life.
What do you want to do?
How do you want to feel?
And ensuring that you check in and be honest with yourself on if the decisions you are making are in fact supporting your aspiring narrative.
Making sure that you prioritize your ideal feelings over any external noise that will cloud the emotional data.
The ego shouldn’t be dismissed, it should be educated, knowing how to champion, cheerlead and push you in the direction that is best for no one else but yourself.
Making Decisions Based on How You Want to Feel
The creation of this piece surfaced a little bit differently for me. It came out of a profound conversation with a dear friend of mine. One who has been considering opening a new chapter that will improve her quality of life, but has been held back by a misinformed ego.
I think considering your outcomes as they relate to how it will make you feel, is one of the most important elements to consider. Say for example, you received that coveted promotion you’ve always thought you wanted, but in reality, deep down, you know that you’d like to switch sectors completely. How will taking that promotion make you feel? Maybe good initially, but what about long term? Will you circle back to the yearning for a career transition? Questioning if you took the promotion for short term gain, happiness and maybe, a little big of ego?
Only you know the answer to this.
Identifying your ego and its agenda, is critical ahead of strengthening your intuition because you need to know what your pure inner voice sounds like and what it is guiding and asking of you, not only what your inner hustler is saying ..errr demanding of you.
I will leave you with a phrase that is a personal favorite of mine:
Once you see it,
it cannot be unseen.
May this piece on the ego (that everyone has BTW) sting less, comfort more and encourage and empower you to make decisions purely for your best and highest good.
“The ego is only an illusion, but a very influential one. Letting the ego-illusion become your identity can prevent you from knowing your true self.”
(Sources: Dictionary.com, Ego & Self-Importance, Brené Brown’s, Rising Strong, Barry Kaufman, Scientific American)